Medication 

Anxiety/depression Medication is not a cure. In the end, it was a curse for me.. seriously its a trap. It lures you in… with good intentions. At first, it may be exciting if it does actually work. Hopefully by relieving some crippling symptoms. But if you change nothing else in your life, I’m telling you now.. depression and anxiety will supersede the medication. Its only good to get you on your feet and in the right direction. Which is what most doctors will tell you the medication is for anyways. But to use it just as that is very difficult.

I was first put on Lexapro, for about a year and saw no change.. I then mistakenly quit cold turkey and had some pretty severe withdraw symptoms. Lesson learned. Never quit cold turkey.

Anyways..

I then went from Buspar to Paxil, to Ativan to Clonazepam. Also, they prescribed me Hyoscyamine I belive it was, for anxiety induced IBS.  Hands down that was one of the worst parts of anxiety. The gut wrenching stomach pain and constant running to the bathroom. Often times it feels like the stomach flu. I was very thankful for that medication.

Personally, I don’t agree with depression medication. It even states a side effect may be an increase in suicidal thoughts.. ?? Seriously?? That made me not want to take it right off the bat. I was already suicidal …why risk pushing me over the edge? There was a couple other medications I had tried in between these, but I can’t  remember the names. Depression meds never made one bit of a difference for me. But I understand that everyone is different, certain medications may work for some but not others.

Ativan was the first medicine I took that actually helped my anxiety.  Only it made me feel weird and sometimes sick. After several years I ended up switching to Clonazepam. That seemed to work a lot better for me compared to Ativan. Over the course of the next few years, I slowly worked my way up to 4mg a day. Clonazepam was present in the beginning of my joirney to getting a life. Helping to reintroduce me into the world. Along with the ibs medicine.

I will admit in the beginning I feel like I did need medicine to give me a boost. I still got anxious.. but the anxiety wasn’t bad enough to make me sick to the point where I couldn’t do anything at all.  Medicine alone wasn’t the answer though. there were several other factors in play that led to me overcoming the fear of anxiety.

I quickly grew dependent on medication. I would panic if I new I was running low. Extra anxious if I forgot to take it. I always had to have them with me just in case.

Although at this point in life I was well on the road to bettering myself. I began working harder on changing my perspective and rewiring my way of thinking. I continued going out in public frequently with my girlfriend (now wife). I moved into an apartment with my brother. I had my first daughter. Then I got my license a month later. A year after that we got married and moved into a house together.

Religion became a very positive source to help me with my issues. In everyway prayer and worship brought positive energy and thoughts into my life.

Now that I actually had a life (never thought that was possible). I was truly happy for the first time in as long as I can remember. God, my wife & kids gave me a reason & purpose. Although I was still being carried by my medication at this time. But I was ready to break free. I wanted to finish the race by myself. The medicine was affecting my memory and always made me feel sleepy. So I slowly started to taper down. It became an only when I’m out in crowded public areas or special events type thing.

At 24 I decided to completely quit taking medicine. By then we moved to a different house and had another daughter.

This was the hardest part. Over a course of about 5 months, I cut down the dosage quite a bit and broadened the days between taking them. Eventually, I was down to .25mg once or twice a week. After being on ativan/clonazepam for 8 years… I was deathly afraid of how anxiety would feel without medicine in my system. I did not want to go back to where I started. I couldn’t deal with that again.

Every time I would go 5 or 6 days without taking medicine, I knew I would get withdraw symptoms or have bad panic attacks. So I did just that and had a quite a few massive panic attacks like never before. (of course because that’s what was in my mind). This went on for several months and I began to feel trapped. The medicine had me on chains. I was too dependent on it. After experiencing those unforgetfull attacks I didn’t think I would ever be able to get off medicine. I was in the worst state of mind. For those last few months, I would panic everynight and pray for help. I hated the fact that I couldnt get off medicine it was tearing at my heart.  I knew there was something I was missing. There was some kind of lesson I was missing. There had to be a way.

So I went to see if my doctor could help me. She told me if I am truly taking as little as I say I am, as spaced out as I say I am. Its already out of my system and I should not have any withdraw symptoms at all. She told me I only panicked because of fear. It was all in my mind. She was right. I walked out of that office and never touched a pill again. I have never felt more free in my life. The power of my mind to trick me into some of the worst panic attacks… just because that’s what I thought would happen. That showed me first hand how powerful the mind is. So I began to use that newly discovered power to benefit me rather then self destruct me.

Be mindful of what you focus on. You can influence your brain to make things real that aren’t!

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